The first few sessions with my clients are dedicated to creating a foundation to build our coaching relationship. We explore strengths, weaknesses, needs, values, natural resources and co-create the relationship. During this “get to know each other” timeframe, one of the questions I ask is “Who is on your team?” Often I find that many of my clients struggle to answer this question. In one of my more recent conversations with a client, they didn’t even want to answer the question at first. Just thinking about the answer brought this client to tears. At first, they were unable to come up with a single name of someone who they could call on for support.
Furthermore, they felt like there was no one on their team consistently. Through coaching and actions between sessions, that this client wanted to take on to add structure to their life, it turns out this client has a full list of people who are on their team. But for this client and many others, it was/is a complicated and emotional process to get to that point.
Turing to yourself, here are thoughts to contemplate for yourself so that you can answer the question, “Who is on your team?”:
What is a team?
According to Merriam-Webster online dictionary, the definition of a team is “a number of persons associated together in work or activity; such
a: a group on one side (as in football or a debate)
b: Crew, gang.”
Or “to form a team or association: join forces or effort.”
By this definition and for our purposes I am going to say that a team is a group of people who support a single person. In this case, YOU!
What type of people do I want on my team?
The people on your team should be caring, respect you, and be supportive of you. They should not be judgmental, make you doubt yourself or your decisions, make you feel bad about yourself or sabotage your choices or life. They may even have other attributes that you find essential like have a good sense of humor.
As too who they are individually, here are some ideas for you to think about.
- Family members– parents, siblings, spouses, children, grandparents, aunts and uncles, and cousins that fit the criteria of being supportive.
- Friends – people who you enjoy spending time with, make you laugh and have your back.
- Acquaintances that serve a purpose –for example, a gym mate who you really don’t do anything else without whom you would not exercise, members of a study group, people in a club, activity or other hobbies that you make it enjoyable and support you.
- People you pay – Doctors, therapists, personal chefs, house cleaners, body workers, professional organizers, trainers, coaches, even your barista if you enjoy seeing their friendly face every morning.
- Co-workers and colleagues – People at work, people you network with, people who are your colleagues, people you enjoy collaborating with, people who are supportive of your growth in business or people who will cover hours/vacations.
Why do I need a team?
I was recently listening to a podcast that talked about research from Dr. Stephani Biello at the University of Glasgow. According to her research, the neuroscience of ‘living in community’ is a crucial part of being healthy. Not ‘living in community’ or having a team is worse for your health than smoking 15 cigarettes a day, being a lifetime alcoholic, never exercising. That is a substantial finding. Biello says, our bodies are made to ‘live in a community.’
We aren’t all neuroscientists, so understand what she means may be hard to relate to. Here are some more relatable reasons why we all in a team.
- Sounding Board: Most of my clients have ADHD, and while different people experience it differently there are some commonalities among most of my clients. One of these commonalities is that they have a strong preference to talk out their problems or decisions they need to make. Many of us process information and make connections while we are speaking. A team member can be someone who is listening and asking questions to help you clarify beliefs, identify next action steps or solve a problem. Plus every like to feel like they are being heard.
- Connection with others: We all like to feel like we belong to a group. Relationships with people with the same beliefs as our own help us feel included. A connection could also be physical. We need human touch to satisfy our psychological needs. These physical connections are going to come to us from members of our team.
- Growth: A team can help us learn, create, explore, innovate areas of strength and areas we may not have looked at otherwise. We only grow in situations that we are uncomfortable in. Sometimes those situations come from people on our team who challenge us or push us out of our comfort zone for our own good. Sometimes, growth comes from outside our team members, but the team makes the growth more bearable.
- Persevere: Team members can help us solidify our core beliefs and persevere who we are. Member may challenge our beliefs by showing us other perspectives. If we don’t change or grow, we solidify what we believe.
- Need and Needed: Eventually we all need support in one way or the another, but we all need to feel needed as well. Hopefully, on your team, you can play both parts by getting support, encouragement, and comfort and giving support, encouragement, and comfort. If it is not a two-way street, team members probably won’t stick around too long.
- Two heads are better than one: And more is even better; collaboration is how the world often works. We all need quiet time alone, but community/teams are a beautiful place to find ways to work together or make a positive impact on our world. Even schools are realizing this idea by assigning group projects and collaborative homework/tests from elementary school to college.
- Comfort and Safety: Team members provide a safe place to talk about future plans/dreams as much as it is a place to talk about why we failed and how to not, in the same way, fail again.
What are the benefits of specific team members?
It is important when reaching out of support that you are reaching out of the kind of support that you need me that moment. You should consider knowing which of your team members are:
- Clarifiers: These are people who ask questions that help you clarify what you think and believe or help flush out what a problem really is. These conversations affect next actions steps.
- Challengers: These are people who challenge your beliefs and actions. This role is essential but should be done in a way that doesn’t have an adverse effect on you. This role can be a large part of a coaching relationship.
- Comforters: These are people who are just interested in being your cheerleader while this sounds nice it is vital to balance this type of support with clarifiers and challengers. By seeking out challengers and clarifiers, we are helping ourselves to move our lives forward.
How to create a team?
Now that we have reviewed why teams are vital and the types of people you want to have on them. There are two ways you could go about doing this.
- Make a list: Try thinking about the people in your life that are supportive or who love you. I think it is easiest to do this in categories or by different roles in your life. Write down your various positions in life. Some examples might be your career or student, volunteer/activities, home life/personal, etc. Then write down people who you could call on to support you in those roles and write them down under each role. For example, in home life, a supportive person would be a spouse or parent.
- Support Circles: I prefer this method. In the world of disabilities and mental health, there is the concept of support circles. The idea is simple yet powerful, and I believe we should all be using them. You can download one here. Circlesofsupport If you are the center of the circle. In the inner circle, these are team members who are closest to you. These should be people you would feel comfortable calling in the middle of the night or that you would be comfortable being your most vulnerable around. Often, they are immediate family, but they don’t have to be. In the middle, these are people who you may not call in the middle of the night but are an essential part of your life. For example, it may be a college advisor, a mentor or the cleaning lady because you can’t function without them. In the outer circle, these are people who you see out in the community. For example the people in a running group or that barista you visit every morning to start your day. Pets can be team members. My daughter, who is disabled, put our family cat in the inner circle; I would put our cat there too. My daughter also included the horse she has been riding for 10 years at hippo-therapy in the middle circle.
Once you know who is on your team, you can call on them when you need support without having to think about it too much in the moment of needing assistance.
