Progress, Not Perfection

Every new year seems like a magical clean slate—a chance to start over, to shake off our built-up bad habits and replace them with shiny new ones. We all like clean slates. We should give ourselves the grace and permission to clean our slates whenever necessary. It doesn’t have to wait for the turn of a calendar.

We get ourselves in trouble when we fantasize about how, because the calendar turned, we will magically start improving most of our lives. You know what I mean, “I will do a, b, c and x,y, and z all the right way,”

Sound familiar? It sounds like :

• Unrealistic and unreasonable standards.
• Riding, all-or-nothing thinking
• Self-criticism, low self-esteem
• Living by “shoulds”
• Unfavorable comparisons; not feeling “good enough”
• Fear or unwillingness to ask for help
• Fear of social rejection
• Sensitivity to feedback, defensiveness
• Procrastination to avoid failure

To me. Also known as perfectionism. Perfectionism works against us. For people with neurodiversities, perfectionism is about flawlessness, not being judged for mistakes, and becoming ‘good enough.’ It may be:

• Self-oriented perfectionism is having unrealistic, irrational standards for yourself and punitive self-evaluations. It is often comorbid with mental health diagnoses such as generalized anxiety, depression, or eating disorders.
• Socially prescribed perfectionism involves believing that others are harshly judging and criticizing you. This kind of perfectionism may lead to the belief that you must be perfect to obtain approval or acceptance from others. It is also directly connected to social anxiety.
• Other-oriented perfectionism involves imposing rigid, unrealistic standards on others. This type of perfectionism may cause you to evaluate others critically, often without forgiveness or empathy, resulting in struggles with all kinds of relationships, from professional to romantic and familial.

Ways to Decrease Perfectionism:

1. Build Awareness

• Explore perfectionism with curiosity. This is easier said than done. When you notice yourself pushing to do something perfectly or criticizing yourself for mistakes, see if you can identify the true reason for that push. What standard are you trying to meet? What makes that standard important to you? What happens if you shift to wondering about an outcome instead of predicting a negative one?
• Look out for imposter syndrome, fear of failure, and shame thoughts. If you expect judgment, humiliation, or rejection due to mistakes, you are expressing a fundamental, false belief of deficiency that often accompanies ADHD and perfectionism.
• Mantras can be great, like “Mistakes are an opportunity to learn and grow” or “When it doesn’t work out, I am still worthy.” Some clients keep these phrases on their phones or write them on a sticky note or in a mirror with a dry-erase marker.
• Flip the coin – I have other clients who flip the coin over; when they have a criticizing thought, they flip it to make it more positive. One client went from “I will be fired soon because I am always late with work assignments.” to “I contribute to work projects with creative problem-solving. To help me be on time (or at least closer), I can ask for support from colleagues.”  

2. Shift Your Focus

• Pay attention to what’s working. Notice the good more than you notice challenges. Try to track the positives in your day. Make it easy to track; one of my clients has marble he adds to a jar to see them collect, and another keeps a tally in her planner. Keeping a gratitude journal, whether by voice recording or writing, can reduce negativity and foster a positive outlook.
• Enjoy small achievements as much as big ones. This idea might sound difficult for any perfectionist, but over time and with practice, you’ll learn to set reasonable expectations for yourself and others. Try filling three pages with small accomplishments you feel good about, like “I made myself breakfast.”
• Stop comparing yourself to others. It isn’t a fair comparison because you are comparing your thoughts to what you see on their outside. Most people aren’t showing off their weaknesses, worries, and fears, so you have no idea what they may or may not be struggling with. But since you can’t see their struggles, you assume they’re doing better, or life is easier for them. Instead of looking at others, glance back to acknowledge how far you’ve come and forward to who you are becoming.

3. Accept Mistakes

• Know making mistakes is how we learn. Believing that you can’t make a mistake is paralyzing. A rigid mindset limits you to think that mistakes mean flaws. When it means human. With a growth mindset, you know that, like when you are a toddler, you can stumble, pick yourself up, and try again.
• Try being softer with yourself. Perfectionists are hard on themselves, but being kinder to yourself, especially when things don’t turn out. Shift to anything else that will distract you from the negative thoughts. You can return when you are calmer to see where you can learn from a mistake.

4. Receive Feedback with Grace and Strength

• Feedback is a fundamental part of life. Again, an opportunity to learn. Someone somewhere will have something to say about you and your actions or behavior. Accepting what you hear, negative or positive, with neutrality and grace is a life skill that will serve you well. Consider the source; there is a big difference between your boss correcting and someone on social media making a comment. Wherever it comes from, mull it over. Does it provide a way to improve yourself, or was it someone lashing out?
• Use reflective listening to deflect an overly emotional response. Repeat what they said and ask if that is correct. If it was accurate, try coming up with a response you give to all feedback before responding, like, “Let me think about that and get back to you.” This response will ground you, double-check their meaning, and give you time to think. Plus, you acknowledge what they said without being defensive.

5. Set Realistic Goals

• Trust your compass. What can you handle? What is achievable? Start moving towards a goal rather than what you think you should or what you think someone else thinks you should do.
• Set boundaries for what you can do. Be honest with yourself about what you can actually handle.
• Be clear about the types of goals. Easy goals are things you can complete most of the time with minimal support. Middle-range goals are ones you can handle with some support. What does that support look like? Top-tier goals may not be in your wheelhouse, so they need more support. How is that support different from middle-range goals? What resources do you have? Classifying your goals will help you determine how much space and resources you need to accomplish them. Top-tier goals should be limited to one or two at a time.

6. Improve Executive Functioning Skills

• Improving your relationship with time: Time blindness is a huge frustration. If a planner and alarms were the answer, you would have done that by now. But externalizing time is often the best way to deal with it. Timed work sessions with a friend or colleague (who is good with time), voice timers, timers, and routines can all be helpful. Finding the tools you will engage with is the one you want to use.
• Organization: Stop holding information in your head. Write it down in a safe place, like a notebook or whiteboard. Use organization systems that make sense for your brain. The aim is for efficacy.
• Planning and prioritization: How do you like to approach tasks? Do you need to warm up by knocking out some low-hanging fruit first? One of my clients uses these questions: Not doing what task today could get me fired. Do what today would make my job easier? Do what today would make me proud?
• Emotional control: Find simple ways to soothe yourself when you feel uncomfortable, like the list of achievements from above, affirmations, deep breaths, or taking a quick walk. Have options. I have my clients come up with if/then statements; we aim for three for different situations/emotions. If I feel defensive, then I can ask for time to respond.

We want to improve to make progress. That means it takes time. It means working with our brain wiring to find the best answer, tool, strategy, or hack for our brain. It means accepting all of who we are while we journey to who we are becoming.