Every teen or young adult wants autonomy. Recently, I started coaching a 23-year-old woman whose mother is a bit of a helicopter because of the young woman’s lack of executive function (EF) skills. Her overall coaching goal is to be independent. Part of the issue is past mistakes and family dynamics, they have a therapist for that piece as coaches are not therapists. My piece is to work with her to figure out how to find a life that fits her and ensures to her mother that her daughter will be fine and that the mother can let go.
From the other side of it, I can understand her mother’s concern. I am a mom too. My daughter has EF issues too. When you see your child making bad choices or what looks like choices it can be scary. But as a coach, I believe that her daughter (and mine) is not broken and that she is a whole person who can discover both herself and the right choices for her. This young woman may have challenges but we all do. She needs awareness about herself to learn how to take actions that matter to her so that she can move forward. But what about when your child is only in high school and wants the same autonomy he sees his friends getting but doesn’t seem to be ready for that type of freedom?
How to move forward to a win-win situation for you and your teen:
1. Be understanding – your teen isn’t lazy or uncaring even if it looks that way. Learn everything you can about ADHD or whatever other condition that is affecting your teen’s EF skills. Understand these three points: everyone has a limited about of energy to use on EF skills, EF skills don’t work independently from each other, and emotions or being tired affect our ability to access our EF skills.
2. Talk – about a list that should be about goals. In a calm positive manner so he isn’t feeling ganged up on. Talk and not just about school and getting good grades. While those are important, good grades do not necessarily make a well-rounded person. Make a list of what you want for them in life and what they want in life. They may not know what future career they want but they make know if they want a service job (studies so that the US is in need of trades) or a career that will require college like medicine. They may want to score two goals in every soccer game, to be the lead in a school play, or to be class president; don’t dismiss it out of hand because you think they should only focus on grades and nothing else until the grades are good. These short term goals are important too. Good is a relative term. So what does good mean to your teen? It may not be what good means to you.
3. Wants – What autonomy does your teen want and what do you feel comfortable giving him? Have an open conversation. If is your teen’s job to push back and test the boundaries and your job to ensure his safety and set clear boundaries. What actions do you need to see consistently for him to earn some autonomy?
4. Agreement – write an agreement that states what your teen wants and how your teen will achieve it. The contract should include what specific actions he needs to take including school work, homework, chores, part-time job, and behavior or attitude if needed. Enlist the help of a teacher that he likes if needed; this teacher can be responsible for making sure he is doing classwork and homework instead of showing you which can result in nagging and resentment. Help your teen set up a system to remember chores; like texting himself or setting an alarm that it is time to take out the trash, do the dishes or whatever other chores he is responsible for doing. There should be consequences in place for actions that were or were not completed during the week. We are looking for progress and not perfection so there should be a sliding scale. Forgetting to turn in one assignment shouldn’t hold the same weight as not doing any work for school and not doing any chores. Try giving the chores, classwork and homework values. The values could be monetary, or points towards free time, media time or whatever you have set in place in the contract in advance. Your teen should understand that performance and not promises get rewarded.
A word about distractions, accountability and time.
- It is important for people with ADHD to avoid distractions so part of your discussion with your teen should be about what he finds distracting. The contract should include something about this. For example, it may be his phone so may be during study time or chore time he gives it to you or teens can just turn it off. Talk about what will work for your teen.
- People with ADHD often are more motivated by others or relationships than by their own internal motivation. Externalizing accountability is therefore important which is why I suggest enlisting the support of a teacher. This supportive person doesn’t have to be a special education teacher, it could be a coach or other favorite teacher. Someone whom your teen has helped choose is comfortable with and is willing go to for support and to check-in with daily.
- Time in the ADHD brain is either never ending boredom or at a stand still with little in between. People with ADHD barely notice it least they are stuck doing something they don’t want to be doing. Timers and alarms are great for most people with ADHD for starting something else or to stop doing something to move on to the next thing. Get your teen used to using both, alarms and timer, they may be a tool your teen uses for the rest of their life.