Let’s talk about Sarah. Maybe you are like here. That’s not her name, but she is a client who is starting to let go of needing to do things like “they are supposed to be done.” It’s a myth – there is no right way to do anything. There is often a way many people do things, but that doesn’t make it right. No matter how much we try to tell ourselves that there is. There is only the right way for you.
So, back to Sarah, if you met her, you would think she is intelligent, creative, empathic, and hard-working. And she is. She has a full-time job, a part-time job, and volunteers. But like all of us, there is more to her story. People are complex. I am privileged to see other parts of her story. She is disorganized, unmotivated, and plagued by feelings of shame. Much of the shame started externally and then became the story she told herself about who she was. Sarah is working with a therapist, as well as I, to undo this story.
Like many of my clients, Sarah struggles with asking for help, engaging in tasks with multiple steps, and finding motivation for activities she deems boring. She also resists being told what to do. I know some of you might be thinking, ‘That sounds like everyone.’ And you’re right, to an extent. But everyone isn’t challenged as often or as intensely as those like Sarah. There are times when she simply can’t do the laundry, cook for herself, or even shower. It’s not a matter of choice, but a matter of capability at that moment.
Some of my clients are wealthy enough to hire help with cleaning, cooking, or laundry, but most of my clients can’t afford to hire outside assistance.
Sarah is working on shifting her beliefs about asking for help, but in the meantime, there are tasks she wants to complete.
Here are some examples of the changes Sarah has made that have significantly improved her daily functioning. These strategies are simple, yet effective, and they work for her. They may serve as a beacon of hope for others facing similar challenges.
For Cooking:
- She buys precut vegetables.
- She buys noodles that are quick to cook.
- She cooks large volumes of rice at a time.
- She buys packaged protein, such as tuna and salmon.
- Shel buys precooked meat.
- She buys frozen meals.
For Showering:
- She showers on days when she gets home from work earlier.
- She turns on the water in her shower before using the toilet.
- She hangs her pajamas on a hook in the bathroom.
- She has flip-flops hanging near the shower so she doesn’t feel cat litter on her feet when she gets out. (Litter gets everywhere, no matter how much you clean.)
For Laundry:
- She doesn’t buy clothes that can’t be washed in her machine. No dry cleaning here.
- She doesn’t separate her clothes into lots of loads.
- She prefers putting away smaller amounts, so she tries to do smaller loads. That doesn’t always happen; when it doesn’t, she practices self-compassion by saying, “Not doing the laundry doesn’t make me a bad person.” This is an important aspect of self-care that Sarah is learning to incorporate into her daily life. She doesn’t fold anything that doesn’t need to be, such as underwear, socks, and pajamas. They get thrown into bins.
- She often does laundry while watching hockey. She changes loads during the intermissions.
- When it isn’t hockey season, she does it while gaming with friends. Their preferred games have long periods of waiting for your turn, so she changes loads then. Her friends hold her accountable. Hey, look, Sarah is starting to ask for help.
Often, it is personal life maintenance that my clients find the most difficult to do. This includes tasks like grocery shopping, managing finances, and maintaining personal hygiene. Unfortunately, it is also often the self-care that can make the most significant difference in helping their brains function at the highest level and support them in feeling successful.